Sunday April 18th, comment night at the New York Comedy Club.
This is it folks. I’m going here to pay $5 for 5 minutes for the opportunity to get years shaved off of my life. You may think, “oh really, suicide already at 23.” And if you really did think that, you share my morbid manifestation of nihilism or solipsism. I’m not sure which one at the moment, as sometimes I care deeply about things involving me, and other times I am high on weed. Or scotch. Either one works.
Suicide, that’s an option. That is not what this story was about. It’s about open mics. The people that show up are an odd bunch. They think they have an idea of what to do up there. It is never conversational though. By a multitude of magnanimous proportions, most have this misleading notion that you should just shout into the microphone with a soliloquy that allows the listener of this selfish nonsensical drivel to meditate to a male voice. Or was it female tonight? I can’t even tell.
They say that laughing hard for an hour will burn off as much calories as jogging for the equivalent hour. “In a morbid sense I would say alcohol and diabetics would be better mixture in my utopia. So yes, it is true that bulimics have a good time with my diet. Life sure is more fun when fucked up. 
” -God
If that offends you, well, you will have to pay attention. For although some persons marksmanship with words is only the byproduct of their time on the thesaurus, I am quite a mighty sword with a hint of innovation. You see, it is a stupendous time stealing other peoples’ words while at the same time calling myself a brilliant breeding brooding blood lusting bodacious byproduct (oh shit i used that twice in a paragraph, FAIL) of this culture wishing to culminate to the conclusion. If you understood that, you probably think about God a lot.
Remorsefully to my own psychology, if you did confirm my suspicions, I would at the very least have to disqualify you from any affinity for friendly affection conducive to my need of furthering my peaceful amity rich life if God was the first thing that popped in your mind when reading that.
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By a wide margin, people are so easily offended at anything that makes them uncomfortable. But then again, they do seem to have a short term memory as they cannot even fathom any long term memory sufficient enough to remember the original title of one post.
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My alcoholic intake vastly exceeds any amount of calories I otherwise get. It’s like if I didn’t have beer, I’d almost look good enough to be a queer. Which was quite a transition of stalwart proportions in this lifetime of mine.
The female specimen is mighty meek to a modern day deception based upon their an own integral influence of inherited traits while infantile stage of life . For although I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night, or perhaps I just read a Nelson Algrem book (really, any one will do if you are into comedy), I obviously do not make sense now. But perhaps that was all those volcanoes I just escaped from. And by that I mean the thing I am heating up to 420 right now.
Yes indeed folks. If it were not for silly Europeans with their calamities about random chance events, I could talk about something important regarding my own personal life. But that involves weed, and to be honest, even though I have an uncanny ability with words, there are always some secrets to be kept.
At least that’s what I happenstance upon after doing a little Freemason handshake with a gay man. Oopsie.
That is a later story for a later date though.
Or something like that. I’m sure that will go over spectacularly well with Chelsea crowds. Fuck Manchester United.
At least I got Washington Square Park now. 
“Yo, want some weed?”
“No, I actually wanted a deep conversation with a black Christian.”
Perhaps he is smarter than me. He probably did get into NYU. Got that MBA, and now he uses that for a true cash crop of wellness sharing. Or was it welfair? I’m not so good with spelling or grammatical mistakes of putting similar words in the previous sentences as a sort of joke.
“Of course I do”.
A pure Keynesian economist I’d imagine him to be. And just like the socialist maggots of taxed health care, it may go both ways. As I was sure I saw a herpes outbreak on his lips. Thanks Obama. Well, not that Obama was specifically that great for the change in “free” health care.
The difference between Sarah Palin and Barack Obama is so minimal. One of them quits in the middle of a governor term, the other one gets an upgrade from that other 1/2 term thing he did. One of them placates to the BBC camera for political showmanship, the other one is featured in BBC videos on xhamster.com to pay for rat poison. That has to be why Palin hates abortions so much. With the eidolon of an early aborted apparition, she must have used a failed cocktail. And if I were a more crass person, I would ponder that she miscalculated the amount and type chemicals after that delusional drunk casual encounter with a non-Caucasian. In conclusion, she was thunderously turned off of its impervious sagacity forever.
Oh yes, back to beating one single point to death. I am a comedian after all.
One wears a two piece bikini, the other is a two face liar. Why couldn’t that whaling cunt of a mother of both of them cross the border and get that abortion? Canada and Dar-fur: sharing health care death penalties commonalities since 1975.
Obama and Palin share that one quality. Increasing the debt of the state before and after their executive position. Go Demopubs!
Too bad, Letterman would be off the air if it were not that Alaskan cunt. Just imagine the press he would have gotten if Alaska were not embroiled in some long term phenomenon of a repugnant repressed sexual culture. At least I hope to God that Letterman would be gone by now. But then again, I don’t believe in God or nostalgia. There goes that nihilism again.
Remember that?
First time I got a boner. Madonna on Letterman. Seven years old. What can I say other than I was awesome even at seven? Getting that rock hard wood at such an age is quite an achievement. Almost as good as getting seven words to be forbidden to say in public.
I don’t believe Republican nonsense either though. It’s just that I’m getting annoyed with this sensitive, yeah, dude, Obama is great. No President should ever be great. Because that is the way it was originally intended. President was just the general of the army and a person with final dispute power that can be overruled by reason. You know if the people for some reason got taxed… at all. It sure didn’t work out so well did that 1789 thing now did it? If and when they rewrite history books 500 years from now, aren’t they just going to say that the Constitution was an unequivocal failure to check and balance the control of the federal government?
Fuck it, that’s why I’m supporting Sarah Palin. Although liberals, or progressives as I like to call them. Just get progressively more angry at every joke I make here. Now your guy does possess the functionality to read off of a teleprompter. That’s all fine and well. Just don’t still be delusional to think that any of your benevolent goals have by now turned malevolent; I won’t doubt some of you have ideals in helping, but everything on this world is fucking crazy. And the most crazy of it all is economics. Give me anarchy. At least it’ll be interesting for a while.
Oh fuck, another ramble of drivel.
Ah much better. Now back to the subject that I originally intended this post to be about.
Shit. Piss. Fuck. Cunt. Cocksucker. Motherfucker. (.)(.) Tits.
Those were the seven dirty words by Carlin. Four of them still hold some weight. Three of them not in bold above have enough headway into the literature nomenclature that it would be like getting offended at Ass again. And donkeys have enough discrimination in this country to take. Like a horse cock, but with EEEEOORRRR voice. Fuck that sucks to be an ass.
Ah, the 70s and 7 dirty words. You could actually tell a gorilla joke while the same time not have to simplify it to some pitiful pitiable pious pussies that cannot handle their own weakness. You could even have a baboon joke to be funny even if there is a Zimbabwe reference involved. Who would have thunk it? Oh yeah, anyone with some sanity in them.
Carlin even goes so far as to make a joke about rape. Not something I would be comfortable with saying on stage, but it truly does show that it is always the tone in which it is told that makes the joke funny.
Rape Is Funny
But the point is now, the seven dirty words are not those anymore. Shit. Piss. Cunt. Tits. All viable things you can hear any waking hour. Perhaps not cunt, but it will likely will in the near future with that British takeover. I fucking love those cunts.
No the seven dirty words have changed. It is almost like there is some fascination with numerology. Is Reagan still in office with that cunt of a wife that obsesses with numerology?
“Shit (Senator Gray Davis style), I pissed through my cunt I laughed so hard. That cocksucker has the worst motherfucking tits I’ve seen on anyone.” – Jim Norton if The Wire was produced alongside any Black Sabbath album.
That is almost acceptable. But I do fear being sued for slander one day. I’m sure it will happen. Or perhaps it is just my paranoia. You never know with me.
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But repeat the next joke, and receive a “you shouldn’t come back here”. Go American Standards! Here is my story of April 18th 2010.
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Some transvestite open micer, well I hope for her sake since she was the ugliest woman alive, makes jokes about having a sex change. That’s not the odd thing though. It is NYC. OK, fine. Preferably if I were to see a tranny, I would like to either see Eddie Lizard or at least some glory hole glory.
The odd thing is that after the very next comic comes up and does a gay person joke, it/he/she/minotaur says that, “you should refrain from making fun of homosexuals. it may offend….”
I instantly interrupted. “a booooo.” At least the audience laughed.
YOUR WHOLE FUCKING EXISTENCE IS TO OFFEND PEOPLE!
As the next person up on the mic, I was offended. I was offended at her offense to a non-offensive joke. I tried to think of the most offensive thing to say within the next five minutes. I open with:
In Niger, do they ask other pot smokers, you know the religious type when they smoke the heavy shit, “Yo, you the original G?” The other one would then respond, “No I’m the second coming.” And the original person retorts, “No way you retard. You ain’t the second coming of Jesus Christ, you just some dumb…” .. second G. I would say that word, but someone might get offended.”
I hope you fucking die you ugly motherfucking, non-cock sucking cunt.
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